Be the YOU, your partner fell in love with Liam Naden – Love Vitamins for Relationships
Liam is a speaker, teacher, author and researcher. He teaches Neuro-State Rebalancing (NSR), a process for eliminating problems and taking control of your life by rebalancing the four parts of your brain.
How do you identify if a relationship is great or not?
We asked Liam for how can couples identify if their relationship is great or not. Liam says “ask yourself the question – What was I doing when things were going really well in our relationship?” Read the transcript snippet below in his own words on how that helps
What usually happens is people we’re doing something very different to what they’re doing now, and they’re wondering why they’ve got problems and why, that things aren’t as good but they’ve stopped doing the things that made it good.
What you need to start thinking is what was the environment that I had in my relationship when things were going well and what am I doing differently, and it’s the, the differences will be be pretty obvious and pretty simple.
Our takeaway: Shift your focus to the positive and what you wanna create rather than focusing on what you’re trying to remove. Put more of your time and your effort into increasing that positivity, that happiness.
“Relationship that you have with your spouse is a reflection of the relationship that you have with yourself.”
Quote from Liams book
Shifting the focus from the “We” to the “I”
Liam says most of the problems in the relationship, when a partner want to stop working on it comes down to “They don’t find you attractive.” In general, people blame their spouses for the problems in the relationship. Liam says,
You need to change. When you change, when you become an attractive person again, they’re going to want to change. They’re gonna want to stay with you. Who wouldn’t if you were back to being that person, they fell in love with that great attractive person that they decided they wanted to be with, then of course they’re going to want to communicate. They’re going to want to be intimate. They’re going to want to to be with you.
Counseling or Un-counseling
Should people go to Couples Therapy when struggling in their relationships? What are the pros and cons? Liam says “80% of people have said to me that didn’t work or it made, it actually made things worse.” Here’s his take on the topic
There are lots of reasons. Things such as, again, you’re focusing on the problems when you go to counseling and it, and the other problem is that well, often one the other person doesn’t want to go, which doesn’t help. And then it becomes a sort of a picking on them session it can do. But I think the problem, what I’ve noticed, again, problems are a symptom of what’s going on in your relationship. They’re not the cause.
What can individuals do to be more attractive?
There are many kinds of fears in our relationship, that Liam says stops us from being attractive. These fears make us a needy person where we’re always trying to put in all this effort and pressure rather than just being yourself, being fun.
It is a bit, counterintuitive or paradoxical, but that’s the sort of person you need to be. You have to be the sort of person who’s willing to let go of your relationship. if you want to hang onto it. And that’s when I found about people in great relationships who’d been together for a long time. They weren’t worried about the future of their relationship. They were like, Hey, I’m here because I want to be. I’m here because I’m having great fun. And if at any time in the future we didn’t get on, or something happened and we weren’t meant to be together, well, I could just look back and say it was no longer meant to be. And that’s all right. I’ll be fine. It’s just one of those things. Now, it doesn’t mean you’re ready to walk out, but it means you don’t have this pressure and fear attached to your relationship. You’re just enjoying being there and being yourself and allowing your spouse to be themself as well.
Exercise: Then what?
An exercise to help overcome your fear. So for instance, if you say, I’m really afraid that if my marriage ended, I’d end up alone and lonely. The idea is you have a friend. Who in this instance is yourself. You ask yourself,
Q: Well, then what would happen? So I end up alone and lonely.
Q: Then what would happen? Well, I’d be really miserable, and I’d be living in a, little apartment with sitting in the corner all day crying my eyes out.
Q: Okay. Then what would you do? Well, I’d probably get a bit tired of sitting in the corner and crying in my eyes out. So I’d probably maybe contact a couple of friends and ask if they want to get together.
Q: Okay. And then what would you do? Well, we’d get together. And then what would happen? Well, they’d probably say to me, you know, they’d probably try and cheer me up and, and remind me that I’m a good person and hey, you know, why don’t you go and meet somebody else, and do some socializing and you’ll find somebody else.
Q: And then what? Well, I probably would, I probably would start to stop feeling for it, sorry for myself, and I’d probably go out and meet new people.
Q: Okay. And then what? And then another fear comes up. I’d meet all these weird, strange people and they’d have all these negative experiences,
Q: Okay. And then what would happen? Oh, well, I’d probably start to get a little bit clever and or smarter and more experienced about evaluating people and seeing, who was right or not for me.
Q: And then what? Well then I’d start to meet some better quality people.
Q: Okay. And then what? Well then I’ll probably meet somebody really am really amazing actually.
All of these things that, because all you see, all your brain sees when you’re in a stress state, is that next negative situation. Sitting in the corner, crying your eyes out, with nobody around your brain, doesn’t allow you to see all these other possibilities. This exercise helps you see path that to other options.
What do you do to build a healthier relationship with your partner?
Liam laughs and says “We just have fun in the moment and don’t take anything too seriously.” Liam shares more about one of their philosophy “You worry about what you think, I’ll worry about what I think.”