The three types of listening

How often have you found yourself in a conversation where you’re sharing something vulnerable, and the person who is listening to you fails to truly listen… what do I mean by that? Well instead of reflecting your truth, they attempt to fix you or advise you on how you can do things better – or perhaps they miss the boat and bring the conversation back to them.

Maybe you’ve been on the listening side, where a loved one is sharing something significant – and out of good intentions, you start advising them how if they change this one thing then everything will be better — if any of these scenarios ring true, you’re not alone.

Listening – really respectfully listening to each other in our society is incredibly rare, like Sandy Stream says.

She says there are 3 types of listening she talked about in our interview. Each type of listening responds with a different energy and therefore creates a different feeling within the person sharing their truth.

1. Missed Connections

When you share your truth with someone and it feels like they weren’t listening or if they were – they dismiss you with a phrase like “I can’t believe you felt that way“, or “That wasn’t my experience” – it leaves you feeling unseen. People who listen with a Missed Connection style often bring the story back to themselves, instead of sitting with and reflecting your truth.

2. Fixing Energy

When you share your truth with someone who has Fixing Energy, you’ll notice that you may feel like you are not doing things correctly, like no matter what you share, they always find a flaw and then miraculously – a way to fix it. The main feeling that a person with Fixing Energy gives off is: I have the answers, if you just listen to me everything will be alright. These types of listeners may have good intentions, but they too miss the point on how to listen respectfully.

3. Human Mirror

And that brings us to the Human Mirror. When you share your truth with someone who is truly listening to what you have to say, you’ll feel seen, maybe even understood – heck maybe you’ll even learn something about yourself because that’s the beauty of listening and reflecting: you get a chance to meet yourself, from someone else’s perspective.

I have a simple question: when your partner comes home, do you A) stop what you are doing, get up, greet them, and take a moment to connect or B) say “hi honey” without glancing up from your screen – or from another room and then proceed with a line like ” I just need a few more minutes and then I’ll be free.” I’m totally guilty of often choosing option B.

It’s easy to be caught up in our head, working on projects – finishing up dinner, doing other chores, etc. that we forget – when someone comes home, this is a moment of transition in the day – an opportunity for us to lean in, and connect with our partner or our child in a meaningful way.

Yes – you aren’t wrong in wanting to finish dinner before it burns on the stove, or send that last email before logging off for the evening. Still, transitions in the day are natural opportunities for us to lean into our relationships. When someone comes home, when you pick your kid up from school, when you go to the airport to receive your loved one, etc. these are all opportunities that we can take to build relationships intentionally and in a loving manner that aligns with our values.

As Jim White and I discussed in our podcast interview, the best way to make use of these moments of transition is to take a few minutes before the moment arrives (aka after your spouse texts “on my way,” when you know the school bus is going to arrive in 10 mins, etc.) to set your personal expectations. This is tuning into your self-talk and checking in with how you want to show up in these next few moments. This self-check-in allows you to align with your values of compassion, kindness, empathy, listening, etc. It’s a critical preliminary step to successfully engage in a transition moment intentionally.

The second step is to take those first few minutes after getting in the car, or when your spouse comes home to be present, listen, and share – before each individual goes back into the humdrum of life.

Sounds simple right? Well, it can be, as long as we acknowledge that sometimes we will have to “disrupt” what we are doing to take a moment to quite literally make eye contact and connect with our people before finishing up that to-do list item.

“Most relationships collapse because in the end the two individuals didn’t want to know more about themselves.”

– School of Life

Life is a great teacher. Obstacles & hardships, victories & triumphs are also great teachers. Every so often, a friend whispers sage advice, and a parent imparts a shard of wisdom – these relationships can also be great teachers.

So then why is it – that when my partner points out an observed insight, and mentions (with kindness, and not malicious intent) that even if I mean well, I can practice being a bit kinder, instead of snapping my judgment. At his words, I find my feathers rustled; instead of listening objectively, I do exactly the opposite: I SNAP to judgment, disagree that there is something wrong with my behavior, and firmly declare – NO there is nothing that I need to change.

What an amazingly missed opportunity to learn from one of the greatest teachers – my partner.

As they say at the School of Life: “Love can function as a route to self-knowledge”; what greater source of love will you find than where you are building your home, and with whom you are choosing to spend your life?

Your partner is someone who has the objectivity of witnessing you and your behaviors from outside, while still maintaining a vested interest in your happiness (because happy you = happy them = happy life). This is one of the many gifts that cultivating a healthy partnership brings to the realm of Love Vitamins for Self.

“How was your day?” – such a polite and boring question to ask. Its great for small talk but if you really wanna get to know someone it doesn’t open many doors for deep meaningful conversations.

I mean where do you even begin? Do I start at the top and tell you a list of all that happened from brushing my teeth- to surviving boredom – to the crippling anxiety of answering this question? Probably not the best choice. 

As a response to this question, you’ll often get. “Fine”, “Great”, “Okay, how about yours?”. Try this (rather do not try this) with your kids, or on a first date, or with your partners and you’ll see the conversation come to an end before it begins. These responses are counterproductive to conversing, since one-worded responses essentially are the death of a conversation. Or maybe you get a vague but specific example of my day: I had fried rice for lunch and it wasn’t very good, hoping dinner is better?

My parents, would ask me, “how was your day at school?” after I got back home, and it always felt interrogative, a one sided conversation. “Nice” was my default response to it all. And I could see they were not satisfied with it and wanted more. Not much has changed though. Now, when they ask me the same over phone, I usually respond with, “You know, the same. Busy with work and life.”

Yeah- you get the idea. Our end-of-the-day-dinner-chit-chat-conversation-opener needs a little help.

The problem isn’t with them or you. The problem is in the question. So what do you do? How do you build a healthier relationship with them? What’s the best question to ask, when you really actually wanna know more about them and their day? How do you have a heart-to-heart talk with someone?

Table Talk Dice

We made a little dice with prompts to inspire conversations from different perspectives. This dice is a combination of both the points above and we use it on a daily basis to help build a our relationship every stronger with more meaningful conversations which build our trust and love for each other.

The Dice incorporates 2 ideas that we use to share love

1. Share before asking

Remove the burden form the other person and start by sharing about your day first. If you want and expect others to be vulnerable with you, try being open and vulnerable first. See how that builds trust with them. The quality of what you share and how deep and detailed you are with your story, will decide how your get a response to your story.

Remember, don’t just make it about you. We all like to share. It’s a great feeling when in a trusted environment. So give them a chance too while you listen. Share a bit and include them into the conversation with open ended questions like below.

2. Use open ended questions

Try some of the below questions instead:

• What was the best part of your day today?
• What made you smile today?
• What did you learn today? (Something Raashi and I ask each other before every meal – our form of grace)
• What was the most attractive thing you saw today?

A dice has 6 sides, and you can essentially add any type of thought-provoking statement or question to them, my choice (inspired by the book Whole Brain Child) includes:

1. Low Moment
2. High Moment
3. Act of Kindness
4. What did you learn
5. Something you’re proud of
6. Make your own

At the end of the day, these questions all lead to the same idea that “How was your day?” is trying to get to, which is discussing the moments of significance- the moments that left a print on our memories and feelings. The major difference between asking how was your day versus what was your high moment is whether you take the scenic route or enter a culdesac with a dead end.

Switch from the distraughtful experience of asking someone (or being asked) “How was your day?” to something that can actually help you build a stronger bond.

I’ve often wondered why we wait till the new year begins to identify our resolutions? Perhaps there is something final about the end of the year that instills either fear or motivation to try harder – at least in January – to become the person we aspire to be and set our yearly goals.

Personally, I find it more inspiring to take a Reflection Retreat sometime near my birthday in April as a way to check in with myself and set goals that I want to work on and achieve for the next 12 months.

The idea behind setting New Year Resolutions and a Reflection Retreat is the same: working towards something you want to achieve. However, by putting all the responsibility of setting goals to happen around or before the New Year we create a motivation trap, making it harder to accept and realize that goal setting can happen at any time.

But a Reflection Retreat is more than just goal setting, it’s taking time out to intentionally check in (by journaling, meditating, taking a nature walk, etc.) to examine what happened last year, and then using those insights to set your intentions for the next year.

I normally go for a 3/4 day overnight trip; somewhere secluded and in nature as a way to disconnect from the demands of daily life. But if this isn’t possible for you, you can still benefit from following an unraveling practice.

An unraveling practice asks you to think about / journal what happened during the year that just passed: what changes did you welcome, what did you let go of, what did you discover, what do you wish you had less of, etc.

Once you’ve done that, you set your intention for the next year: identify what’s your word for the year, how will you embody it, what parts of you will you nurture, etc. This in turn informs the more specific goals that you will create to align with your intentions for the year.

I personally love Susan Conway’s book as my guide as I unravel the year behind and get ready to prep for my year ahead. Regardless of using a formal workbook, or simply journaling in the margins of a paper – the act of checking in on what has happened and then choosing your way forward is what makes a Reflection Retreat an incredibly powerful ritual.

Yes, you can leverage this practice as you work to identify your New Year Resolutions to meet that January deadline – or you can leverage this practice later in the year like I do and simply enjoy the holidays instead!

Chances are you’ve probably heard the phrase “5 Love Languages.” Gary Chapman’s book inspired a revolution in how we think about expressing, receiving, and giving love.

In my interview with Paul Zolman, he shared his inspiration behind creating the Role of Love Die (a dice with the 5 love languages on it) as a way to intentionally practice giving love.

The 5 Love Languages are:

1. Words of Affirmation: People with this love language feel loved and appreciated when they receive verbal compliments, words of encouragement, and affectionate words. Simple expressions like “I love you,” “You mean a lot to me,” or praise for their efforts make them feel cherished.
2. Acts of Service: For individuals with this love language, actions speak louder than words. They feel loved when their partner performs acts of service to help them or make their life easier. This can include doing chores, running errands, or any other actions that demonstrate thoughtfulness and effort.
3. Receiving Gifts: This love language is about receiving gifts. They value tangible symbols of love and affection. These gifts don’t have to be extravagant; it’s the thought and effort that count. Thoughtful gifts, even small ones, make them feel loved and appreciated.
4. Quality Time: Quality time is the primary love language for some individuals. They feel most loved when they have their partner’s undivided attention. This means spending meaningful time together, having conversations, going on dates, or engaging in activities that allow for a strong emotional connection.
5. Physical Touch: Physical touch is the love language of those who feel most loved through physical affection. This can include hugs, kisses, holding hands, cuddling, and other forms of physical intimacy. The warmth and closeness of physical touch are essential to them.

In order to become a Love Language Linguist all you have to do is practice giving these 5 Love Languages away – and that is where the Dice comes in.

Here’s what you have to do –
🎲 Roll the die every day
🎲🎲 Take note of the Love Language rolled
🎲🎲🎲 Practice giving away that form of love all day to everybody

By giving love away in different love languages, you improve your ability to perceive love, accept love & give love. It’s a win-win, after all – love only multiplies when we share it.

If you don’t have access to the Role of Love Dice, you can always practice Love Stretching or the Cherish Time activity.

We were at a party a few weekends ago and we played this incredibly simple – and yet enlightening game that I like to call Mind Meld.

The goal of the game is to see if you and your partner are in sync. Here is the set up:

1. Sit facing the opposite direction from your partner (so you can’t communicate).
2. Take turns saying a single word. Both partners should write down what they think the other would answer.
3. Repeat step 2 as many times as you would like; then compare to see how many are common

Sounds simple right? How hard can it be to match the phrase “happy” – obviously the answer is “birthday” – well it turns out my partner thinks differently, he answered: “happy-feet”. To our surprise we only had 2 answers matching when the game ended.

What I loved most about this game was the simplicity of the play – and the chaos that ensued when it ended. It’s a simple but effective exercise to remind ourselves that we all approach things from different perspectives.

If you want to try this game out with a partner, or a friend feel free to use this list below to get started:

1. Happy
2. Love
3. Finish
4. Water
5. Foot
6. Paper
7. Time
8. Travel
9. Bucket
10. Wired

It’s the holiday season – which means gift-giving is on everyone’s mind. This can be both stressful & exciting; but the one sentiment I know we all share in common is: what do I get them? This is why I simply love – Love Pills. The idea of finding happiness in small things has been a huge pillar in the success of my relationships – and my ability to give unique gifts.

So this holiday season I decided to do a spin on the Jar of Love Pills & Advent Calendar tradition that’s all the rage during the holidays.

If you don’t know what an Advent Calendar is – essentially it’s 24 little gifts, and you get to open one every day leading up to Christmas. I love the idea of celebrating every day – I’m not fond of figuring out 24 presents per person in my household, or even buying that many little knick-knacks.

So I Stole Like an Artist – and merged Love Pills with the Advent Calendar to get — Advent-Your Calendar!

Essentially I have 4 little jars, marked with our names & filled with simple everyday happiness to bring in some extra holiday cheer.

If you’re wondering why 4 – well that’s because I simply had to include a jar for my kitty-cat and puppy-dog!

The reason this is an Advent-Your Calendar and not an Advent Calendar is because instead of putting actual physical presents, I’ve used little slips of paper to depict an adventure. And since there are 4 Jars and 24 Days till Christmas, we each get 6 Advent-Your(s).

For example, in my kitty-cat jar, I have “High Tea” – which means Astro gets to experience some catnip tea. In my puppy-dog jar, I have “Tippy Tap Tape Dance” – which means Kara gets a tape ball (why she likes this I have no idea) and we get to play tippy tap on the floor – which is essentially her trying to paw the tape ball and then freaking out and doing a little tape dance. She loves it! Check out this reel of how much fun she had with all the tape when we were moving last year.

For us, gift-giving is more about remixing the mundane -simple little activities that bring us joy with an element of surprise. I honestly can’t think of a better way to enjoy a little Advent-Your with the ones you’re sharing the holiday season with.

Friends are great sources of inspiration when it comes to Love Vitamins. Our first podcast guests and amazing best friends Guneet & Ankit shared a practice called End of Week Cuddle (what a cute spin on end-of-week huddle!).

On their recent trip to visit us, we had the chance to share in their End of Week Cuddle Tradition, and it reminded me a lot about how Ansh and I Debrief at the end of a trip. Debriefs like their End of the Week Cuddle is a check-in practice for Partners to talk about what can go unspoken in a relationship. It’s an intentional space to reset the emotional barometer, to appreciate the good, and to take note of where there is still work to do.

Essentially, at the end of the week, they take a moment to reflect on what happened during the week, what went well, and what they want to work on.

Two important distinctions they made – that I LOVED – were to focus on the whole week, not just the weekend and to focus on what they could do better, not what didn’t work during the week.

The first distinction, focusing on the whole week, enables them to take into consideration the work week and the weekend, instead of just focusing on a few major highlights or feeling like the week is about work and the weekend is about play. 

The second distinction, focusing on what they want to work on and what they can do better rather than what didn’t go well during the week enables them to keep a positive, progress-oriented spin on what they can do to continue creating forward momentum in their relationship rather than get bogged down with the doldrums of what isn’t right (which as we all know is very easy to do!) 

What will you add to your End of the Week Cuddle? 

In a relationship, both you and your partner have individual needs, the Sweet Spot in a relationship consists of the needs you share in common. Heather Claus and I talked about this in more detail in our podcast interview, but essentially: my partner may love to go hiking, run marathons, and play pickleball – and I on the other hand love to paint, bake, and explore breweries. Fulfilling these needs is our individual responsibility. What we share in common: our love of playing games, nature, travel, etc. are the activities that fall into our Sweet Spot. These are activities we can leverage to build healthier, deeper, and more intimate relationships with our partner – because we both know we enjoy doing them, so why not find ways to do them together?

When it comes to our individual needs, it’s important to find ways to satisfy them on our own. Perhaps I can plan a paint nite with my girlfriends, or go check out a brewery on my next lunch date. The point is to not rely on our relationship with our Partner as the sole space for these needs to be fulfilled. 

The things that we enjoy in common like traveling, playing games, spending time in nature, etc. These go into our “Sweet Spot” – these are the things that we enjoy doing with each other, and they bring us joy. More than that, these are the activities that can help to strengthen the bond in your relationship. 

As you work on identifying what your needs are and your Partner does the same, you’ll see that the things that fall into your Sweet Spot are actually Values that you and your Partner share. After all, identifying your values as a couple is an important step in building a strong and healthy relationship. Your values are the principles and beliefs that guide your decisions, actions, and priorities in life. To identify your values as a couple, you can follow these steps:

1. Self-reflection:
   • Each Partner should start by individually reflecting on their own values and beliefs. Think about what matters most to you, what drives your decisions, and what you stand for in life. Write down a list of your personal values.
2. Share your individual values:
   • Sit down with your Partner and share your individual lists of values. This is an opportunity to learn more about each other’s core principles and what is important to each of you.
3. Identify common values:
   • Look for values that you both share or have in common. These shared values can serve as a strong foundation for your relationship. Common values often include things like honesty, kindness, family, career, or personal growth.
4. Discuss differences:
   • It’s also essential to discuss the values that you may not share. Understand why certain values are important to each of you and how they might influence your decisions and actions. This can help you appreciate each other’s perspectives and find ways to accommodate differences.
5. Prioritize your values:
   • Once you’ve identified your values, prioritize them. Determine which values are most important to each of you and as a couple. This can help you make decisions that align with your shared values.
6. Create a shared values statement:
   • Write a values statement together that reflects the values you both hold dear. This statement can serve as a guide for your relationship and help you stay true to your core principles.
7. Regularly revisit and refine:
   • Values can evolve over time, so it’s important to regularly revisit and refine your values as a couple. This can be done during discussions, particularly when making important decisions or facing challenges.

Remember that identifying and living your values is an ongoing process. It requires open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to work together as a couple. When you share common values and use them as a compass for your relationship, you are more likely to have a fulfilling and lasting partnership.

As you identify your values, you’ll simultaneously answer what falls into your Sweet Spot.

A little spin on values that we like to do in our relationship, is convert our Values into Traditions to make it easier to live by our Values on a daily basis. Traditions are activities or moments that we choose to celebrate often and in a meaningful way. For example, my partner and I love celebrating “First Moments”, so in our Sweet Spot, we’ve added many -versaries.

For example, we have our first-hand-hold-versary, first-kiss-versary, move-to-seattle-versary, etc. And every time one of these -versaries pops up on our calendar, it’s a chance for us to share a smile, memory, or meal over fond memories.

Identifying our Values and creating Traditions has enabled my partner and me to access the Sweet Spot in our relationship more easily. Do you know what falls into your Sweet Spot?