Empowering Women in Relationships with Charlene Byars a Certified Empowerment Coach – Love Vitamins for Relationships
Charlene Byars is a leading relationship expert, Certified Empowerment Coach, and women’s revolutionary mentor. She helps women heal their hearts and attract devoted, masculine men who want to be in a long-term relationship. She is on a mission to equip single, successful women with the tools they need to attract the man of their dreams.
In this episode, Charlene talks about masculine and feminine polarity, feminine embodiment and romantic relationships. She is an expert on male/female relationships. Her style is direct, entertaining, and she has a very dynamic personality. She shares her stories with us and learnings from her 25 years of relationship coaching experience. In our discussion she shares her story and we talk about her struggles as a woman that she faced early on and how she was able to overcome them and build a healthy relationship with her husband.
As a women’s coach she helps women find their person, heal from a past break-up, and level up their relationship with themselves and their lover. Something that motivates her to do her work is that, she has a very inspiring story – a long term relationship of 23 years with 4 kids in an abusive situation. When she realized she needed to leave, that’s when her journey towards the work she does today started.
Transcript from Charlene talking about her childhood and experience with men around her.
“When I was a little girl. Um, both of my parents are a Cuban, and so I am first Generation. So both my parents spoke Spanish. That’s my first language. And I, um, saw, you know, not my father because my mother and my father, they, um, divorced when I was about four years old. When I was a little girl, I saw the men in my life, um, really mean, really mean. So I grew up in an environment with a really mean stepfather, abusive stepfather who, you know, emotionally, physically, you name it, abused me and my brother. And so I knew that. The way that I grew up and the way that I saw men and the way things were, I knew as somebody, I was like, Ooh, this is, this is not good. This is not good. I want something more. I want a real connection. No one teaches you relationships, teaches you how to pick a partner for the rest of your life. You dunno, I was young, You dunno all that.”
Impact on Relationships as an Adult
Transcript from Charlene talking about her ex-husband and her first marriage.
“So what happened? I fall in love with this. And, I’m like crazy love, like, you know, like I, I like love and love and love, I love, and, and the guy, and lemme just tell you something about this man. His core is a good human being. He was an asshole with me though. I’m just being honest with you. He was a good person, but he didn’t know how to also be in a relationship. He didn’t even know, you know, like how to truly, honestly treat a woman, how to show up with kindness, how to show up with respect. He was like, he was almost kinda like a wild man. Like he had no filter. So I went throughout this marriage, you guys just so confused. What is this? So hard?
So then we started gonna counseling and you know how long we went in counseling? I’m not even kidding you. 10 years. And guess what we learned in counseling? Zero. So that was just for me, just beyond Confus. Because I was thinking, how can you have two people be going on a regular basis for over 10 years? And we’re still talking about the same thing that we talked about 10 years ago and nothing’s changing. So I finally realized you can’t change a person. You can only show. And, be what you want that person to be with you, right? So I started showing up respectfully differently. He didn’t do anything. like, you know, it was all, it was all me, me, it was of me, you know, Hey and be nice and happy, and he didn’t do anything. So then we went another, How many more? And then I realized it was getting worse.
I had to leave. I finally decided after 23 years, and lemme tell you something, that is the hardest decision, you know someone’s gonna make because I was a married woman with four kids. So you can only imagine what that was like for me. It was. Um, but I was determined. I was like, you know what? If I’m gonna be in a relationship, it needs to be aligned and we, we cannot fight the way we’re fighting and it can’t be this hard. If it is something is not right, we’re just not meant for each other.”
Struggles of Leaving your Past Behind
Transcript from Charlene talking about her experience about leaving the relationship and moving on to the next chapter
“I was, at the time, I was a stay at home mom, remember I had four. And so I knew to leave him that I was gonna have to make sure financially, that I can stand on my own two feet. So I hired a coach and it took me six years to leave my ex-husband, he had no idea. So in the background, Because he was abusive. So in the background I was, I was preparing. Because I knew for me to leave a marriage that I’ve been with for 23 years, he was the, the one that made the money. Um, I could not just leave and, and, and no, I have to take care of my children. I had to, um, provide a home for them and I didn’t want him to give me money. I didn’t want that. No, because I knew that we were gonna be 50 50 custody.
Before I was a stay at home mom, I owned, um, businesses and I was a sales trainer. So I just got back into that. I got back into work. So by the time I was gonna leave my ex-husband, I was making a lot of money. So anyway, I did it. I left the guy, I got the house on my own. I had everything by myself. And now I’m a single mom for the first time with four kids, and I am working like crazy? Like, I’m working, I’m busy, I’m going, I’m going, I’m going, I’m going. So then finally, when that settled, I started dating again.”
Slowing Down to Find Alignment
Transcript from Charlene talking about a key realization that she has – to slow down
“Okay. So I slowed all this down and I started thinking about, okay, Charlene. Something’s up here. Because if you keep attracting those type of guys, what’s up? What’s up? So I went in again, I went in again and I got coaching again. I got therapy and experience and I figured out something. And this, I figured out on my own. And I didn’t understand that I still for so long was operating on a belief system that all men were assholes. And that’s not true. That’s not true because they’re amazing men out there is what I learned. Oh, they’re so good. They’re amazing men out there. The first thing that I, I did for Charlene is I had to learn polarity. I had to learn really what it was to be in masculine and feminine energy and how that really played a part in romance, because I wasn’t looking for a friendship.”
How do Women Want to Feel in a Relationship?
New research from the menstrual cycle tracking app Clue in collaboration with other researchers analyzed the answers from 68,000 people in 180 countries. And overall they found: personality comes out on top, with 88.9% of women considering “kindness” a very important trait in a partner. Close behind were “supportiveness” and “intelligence,” which were chosen by 86.5% and 72.3% of women, respectively.
When Charlene asked this question to her clients, she found a slight variation – her top two findings were: safety (mental, physical) and men who choose to be with them
RAM Model (Relationship Attachment Model)
The R.A.M. Model (Relationship Attachment Model) was produced by Dr. John Van Epp in his research regarding relationships progression. It’s a simple way to look at how relationships should grow to become healthy relationships. It consists of five dynamics: Know, Trust, Rely, Commit & Physical. Essentially, it’s about progressing through these 5 steps linearly, instead of jumping from getting to know someone to committing to them or getting physical in your relationship right away.
Transcript from Charlene talking about why this is essential.
“You get to know someone, then you get to trust someone, then you get to rely on someone and then you commit to someone and then you’re physical. So you have to slow down. You have to get to know them. You have to be able to trust them. Once you start trusting, then you gotta rely on them and see if you can rely on them. Once you rely on them, then you commit, then you commit. So the RAM system really helps people slow down and get to know people.”
Transcript from Charlene talking about her learnings.
“I had to learn what limiting beliefs were. Okay. And because I had certain beliefs about certain things and I had and that kept taking me to each relationship. So even though I was with a different man, I had certain beliefs about how men are. Your beliefs and you don’t take care of why you are the way you are and why you do the things you do and how that actually affects your new partner, then you are gonna bring all that to your new partner.”