Unleash Prosperity in your Relationship with Victoria Rader a Possibility Coach – Love Vitamins for Relationships
Victoria Rader, Ph.D. is a Possibility Coach™, transformational speaker, founder of YU2SHINE, and an internationally best-selling author of Prosper mE: the 35 Universal Laws to Make Money Work for You (and three other books). She is also the creator of Empower-mE and Master-mE apps, and the founder of Free mE EFT and Quantum Freedom.
Victoria has been married to her husband for 27 years and puts her relationship with her husband first.
Self Identity and Conflicts
We chat about self-identity and how it conflicts with your partners or anyone else’s identity when in a relationship
Victoria says “When you don’t know who you are and you are learning these boundaries by bumping into somebody else’s.” As an individual in a relationship, you are responsible for your own happiness. You can be happy without any changes in your partner or making anyone else responsible for the happiness.
Finding time for your relationships
The takeaway for us was on the value of having deeper conversations. It is much more impactful and fulfilling in a relationship to find opportunities to have a more meaningful conversations rather than spending more time with each other and having only shallow conversations (like talking about the weather). As Victoria and her husband were often travelling, they would get less time to talk to each other being in opposite ends of the globe, but it would be a much deeper conversation which they found to be a benefit to them. They always get time together on the calendar first. With their own mechanisms to spend time together, like travelling quarterly, watching silly shows, walking the dogs and more, they have set their non-negotiables and get plenty of opportunities to catch up and sync in with each other.
Now how does one get to having a meaningful conversation? At, LoVita we discuss many Frameworks to help this conversation started. The key is finding what works for you and your partner, and building on top of it. Then of course, sharing it with others not only reinforces your learning but also provides you opportunities to validate your thinking and learn from others. If that still seems too daunting, here’s a simple suggestion. Start with asking a question that you would like them to ask you. Start with asking questions, not just about the weather but things questions that will provide you an deeper insight of your partner.
5 Love Languages
We talk about the 5 Love Languages
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Physical Touch
Understanding your own language and then your partner’s language, and then being able to speak in that is so much easier on your relationship than trying to teach each other a brand new language.
Being aware of the love language of the partner takes communication, observation and time. Rather than defining a relationship, self centered as any human would through your own love languages, it can be a lot more beneficial to identify your partner’s love language. While being aware of each others love language is the first step, the next is to set markers for the minimum fulfillment and then to deliver a little bit more.
Victoria talks about the Ass Principle. In times that your partner knows very well, something that they’re doing is very upsetting to you and they’re still doing it. When there’s a behavior or a pattern that is frustrating to you, do the below
- Validation – in your mind. Look at the person that you love and say, “what an ass.”
- Ownership – Say to yourself, “But he/she is my ass”. Own up to your relationship with them.
- Forgiveness – Say to yourself, “I choose to forgive them”. You neither excuse the behavior, not punish it.
- Love – Time to say, “I choose to love them.”
This 4 step process explained by Victoria, is a “two minute if that, it could be a 30 second mental reset that gets you validated, that gets you resituated in your relationship. That reminds you how the power of forgiveness and you actually look at them [with love]”
She explains how the 4 step process above can be applied to not only relationships but also to strangers. With some variations, she explains with an example of what to the next time someone cuts of off on the road while driving and you can “become a part of the greater healing versus, tearing yourself from inside.”
The power of this Principle is how the whole story, starts from you and ends with you. You’re not at all trying to change what the other person is doing which is powerful. Instead you are inviting them into the process simply by the choice of language that you’re using. Then by adding humor on top of it when you get comfortable with this principle is so beautiful. This can be very empowering, so the next time you bother your partner, you can try saying “Honey, I’m your ass” and see how that goes.
Victoria says, “we all go into the relationship with partial agenda, if we’re being honest, we have a vision. And that vision, our ability to communicate that vision to the person we’re considering commitment is going to either save you 10, 15, 20 years prior to divorce of strife or help you find the soulmate.”
Issues or your vision in your relationship should be addressed before anyone deepends their relationship into a romantic level. To those who have jumped into a relationship without this conversation prior, she says “you can say, Look, let’s start from ground zero. Let’s should start from ground zero. We just met today. This is what we haven’t done that we should have done three years ago, 10 years. Where do you see us going and what are the ways you want us to get there? And what are your non-negotiables? And if you see that the person can never meet your non-negotiables, please have enough love for you and for them to end the relationship. It’s not easy to end a relationship, but it is simple”
Learning to listen
Learning to listen without need of giving an answer. There is a simple exercise that she recommends. Set a timer for 15 minutes, and give undivided attention without asking one question, but just listening. Ask your partner, what’s on their mind and just listen to everything they’re saying. Listen, not only for the content, see when does their emotion go up and down cuz you will know more about them than they might be aware of. Then listen for repitition. The more they talk, the more they’ll start saying something and it’ll be a word or a phrase that they repeat. Understand that that is where they need the support the most.
How does this exercise help? Victoria says “We’re trained to listen with the purpose of understanding and even we try to understand so that we can act. Versus understand so we can love. There’s a huge shift to, I can completely disagree with you and still understand you and love you. And when listening is shifted to that, it’s a gift.” To validate your listening, something that you can do is, she adds, “empowering person back and saying, thank you for vulnerably sharing with me. I know you can figure all of this out. You don’t need a savior. I know you can figure this out.” She emphasises at the end on the point that as human being we all want to have somebody else say, you got this. As a partner, you not only have to say it but mean it.
Victoria Rader has her latest book come out, Prosper mE and it’s about money. Check it out from the link below and also if you haven’t take a quick quiz to begin your journey of empowerment.