Having your partner CHOOSE YOU FIRST with Jerry Dugan – Love Vitamins for Life
Jerry Dugan is the CEO and Senior Consultant of BtR Impact, LLC, a consulting and training company focused on helping leaders define success on their terms so they can live fulfilled, meaningful lives with impact and not lose their faith, their families, or their health. His work experience includes serving in the U.S. Army as a combat medic, corporate training facilitator, and organizational development leader. Jerry is also the the host and producer of Beyond the Rut podcast and currently lives in Dallas, Texas, enjoying the empty nester life with his wife Olivia. They have two adult children, three cats, a dog, and no car loans!
This is the second episode from our conversation with Jerry. In our last episode, we focused on how you should go tell your partner today that they come first. Here, we talk about the HALT framework and other ways how you can make sure that your partner chooses you every single day.
What do you do to grow the love?
Often in relationships we find that when at some point things start to be very monotonous and the excitement levels are not the same as they used to be.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with this stability. It’s great. Having stability in a relationship is an amazing accomplishment. But sometimes it can start to fee like things are spicy but not hot. You are happy but not necessarily excited. Your partner thinks your great but not necessarily attracted to you as they used to be.
And to make sure your partner chooses you every single day – you need to be attractive. Ansh would say be the best yourself. Your partner loves you for who you are. Don’t take them from granted. Love them and they will love you back more. Raashi would say, work on yourself to you make you better than the best yourself. They will see you grow and love you more.
In our conversation with Jerry, he says, “like live in a way that. She’s gonna be like, all right, yeah, I choose him again for another day.” So we asked him what his thoughts were on how to make sure that the love between partners doesn’t just stay at a constant rate.
The biggest thing is making sure I’m listening more than I’m speaking in the relationship.
Listen to the full episode for Jerry’s story on how he was putting them first and, and also communicating something he would want to do. This led to the whole family working together to find a way and time on the calendar where he got his wishes fulfilled. It’s beautiful to hear how without explicitly asking the family – hey, I need four days – but instead expressing and communicating his desires to let them know that this is something that you wanna fulfill and which will bring joy to him. Then, somehow all of them work together to make that happen, to make sure everyone’s happy. And it’s beautiful to hear that. It’s like when you put others first, they learn to do the same. Because of that practice of being reciprocal in nature now the children, family, and your spouse, put you first as well, and it’s this beautiful cycle in which everyone feels happy.
H.A.L.T. – Self assessment tool to use before communicating with your partner
A framework which can be used to reduce conflict in relationships. Before you say, anything to your partner, halt and check for the below
H – Am I hungry?
A – Am I angry about something else?
L – Am I feeling lonely?
T – Am I tired?
And if the answer to any of those things is a YES, then the conflict or conversation between you and your partner isn’t about whatever’s going on – it’s about something else entirely. So what can you do? Simple answer is to take care of yourself and let your partner know. If you’re hungry – get a snack. If you’re angry or feeling lonely or tired – let your partner know.
A lot of times conflict occurs due to the fact that there’s something else going on. Something that’s just bringing a lot of heavy emotions and those emotions are seeping into all of the cracks that are available. It’s too much of the store inside of here, so you’re, you’re using every outlet you can get. That’s not fair though, on the people in your life. However, what is fair is to let them know that there’s a lot going on inside of you and that you might need to take a minute before you can have this conversation. HALT. What a beautiful framework.
- The biggest thing to do in a relationship is making sure you’re listening more than speaking
- Put your loved ones first and communicate with them if there is something you would like to do
- Use HALT – the self assessment tool to halt the conversation if you find yourself Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.