In the first half of our conversation with them, we talk about what makes their relationship special and did a dive into love vs intimacy and much more. In this second part, we share how they demonstrated to use the exercise of Cherishment.
Our next Framework of Cherish Time (which will be available in a couple days) is inspired from this beautiful exercise of using the 5 senses to express your love to your partner and build a more intimate and healthier relationship.
Listen to the full episode to feel the love pouring out of them which they practice this wonderful exercise – there were some tears being shed in the background too. We tried our own version of Cherish Time and that'll be available on our Social Media Channels too. Follow us on Instagram to check it out.
Takeaways
Think about this – what advice would you give yourself for your relationship to make it more healthier? Let us know in the comments below. At LoVita, we're not in the business of giving advice, we're about inspiring partners of all kinds by sharing their stories and journey in building a healthier relationship. So if you're interested, we'd love to share yours too.
—–
If you enjoyed listening to this episode (or the podcast), please share your diagnosis with 1 close relationship or anyone else who would enjoy listening to this as well.
If you would like to share your story, fill out this quick form.
The best gift you can give us is positive feedback and your observations. Follow us wherever you are listening and do us a favor by adding a Review on Apple Podcast.
LoVita – Love Vitamins for a healthier is a community by Partners for Partners. We share stories about how Partners are working intentionally towards building a healthier relationship. To learn more check out the links below 🔗
LoVita Blog for Frameworks
Sign up for our monthly Newsletter for exclusive content
We're also on Social media – Instagram, Facebook,
All above links in a single page
Connect with Francesca and Stan Levine
Website: relationshiprescueinstitute.com.au
Facebook: relationshiprescueinstitute
Francesca (left) and Stan (right) Levine are relationship practitioners in Australia with over 58 years of combined experience as a Psychologist and a Counsellor respectively. They have been married for 55 years and have been referred to as Relationship Masters, voted in the top 3 relationship practitioners in Melbourne.
In the first half of our conversation with them, we talk about what makes their relationship special and did a dive into love vs intimacy and much more. In this second part, we share how they demonstrated to use the exercise of Cherishment.
Our next Framework of Cherish Time (which will be available in a couple days) is inspired from this beautiful exercise of using the 5 senses to express your love to your partner and build a more intimate and healthier relationship.
Listen to the full episode to feel the love pouring out of them which they practice this wonderful exercise – there were some tears being shed in the background too. We tried our own version of Cherish Time and that’ll be available on our Social Media Channels too. Follow us on Instagram to check it out.
Takeaways
Think about this – what advice would you give yourself for your relationship to make it more healthier? Let us know in the comments below. At LoVita, we’re not in the business of giving advice, we’re about inspiring partners of all kinds by sharing their stories and journey in building a healthier relationship. So if you’re interested, we’d love to share yours too.
Love vs Intimacy (Into-me-see) for Partners with Francesca and Stan Levine –
Love Vitamins for Life
Francesca and Stan Levine have decades of experience practicing counseling, so we were curious to explore what it is that makes them and their relationship special. Stan jokes that "with my white hair and the wrinkles, it makes a big impression because that indicates to them experience, which clearly there is and sometimes they believe I'm wise and I'm not sure about that, but they seem to think so and it gets through. So it works." To which Francesca adds that he is wise as he's learned everything from his wife. But what really attracts people to them, Francesca says, is that, "They see us in the waiting room. We can't pass each other without a hug and a kiss. Right. And this is true and it's just, it's fleeting, but it makes a very lasting impression. You know, we are very connected." She says, "You know, ours, I believe is a very romantic and true story. We could put it up in Hollywood and people will say, this isn't real, but it is. So it's who we are. That makes, I believe." Stan agrees and she continues, "It's who we are. That makes a difference. So even in the momentary passing or when we are teaching, cuz you know there are weekend workshops and things. It's the energy between us. It's not what you say, it's how people feel. That's what they remember. And I think the, the, the love and joy and fun we have, so lots of, we can laugh over a lot of things, right? And I think after so many years that there's still fun, joy, and love and hot sex. Hey, what else do you want? Good food. We don't even have to leave the house." to which Stan agrees.
Takeaways
1️⃣ Love is contagious. When you are in love and have a healthy relationship with your partner, you'll pour out the love to people around you. As Francesca said, "It's not what you say, it's how people feel. That's what they remember."
2️⃣ Love and intimacy have similarities but are different. Love is more encompassing, and intimacy is a way how you would show up in the relationship.
3️⃣ Working on your relationship is not hard work. it doesn't have to be. It can be the easiest thing in the world. With time and consistency, using different frameworks and exercises that work for your relationship, you can build it into a healthier one.
If you enjoyed listening to this episode (or the podcast), please share your diagnosis with 1 close relationship or anyone else who would enjoy listening to this as well.
If you would like to share your story, fill out this quick form.
The best gift you can give us is positive feedback and your observations. Follow us wherever you are listening and do us a favor by adding a Review on Apple Podcast.
LoVita – Love Vitamins for a healthier is a community by Partners for Partners. We share stories about how Partners are working intentionally towards building a healthier relationship. To learn more check out the links below 🔗
LoVita Blog for Frameworks
Sign up for our monthly Newsletter for exclusive content
We're also on Social media – Instagram, Facebook,
All above links in a single page
Connect with Francesca and Stan Levine
Website: relationshiprescueinstitute.com.au
Facebook: relationshiprescueinstitute
Francesca (left) and Stan (right) Levine are relationship practitioners in Australia with over 58 years of combined experience as a Psychologist and a Counsellor respectively. They have been married for 55 years and have been referred to as Relationship Masters, voted in the top 3 relationship practitioners in Melbourne.
This is the first half of our conversation with them we talk about what makes their relationship special and did a dive into love vs intimacy and much more. Seems like we’ve been intimate with intimacy since our our latest framework on Intimacy = into-me-see. The second half our conversation includes a fun exercise called Cherishment which will be available next week.
Their story
Francesca and Stan met on a blind date. She had never been on one before. Stan was recommended by a friend to Francesca because she’d just broken up with her fiancé at the age of 19. Anyway. Francesca recalls, “when he came over, it was love at first start from me. I just looked at him and thought, oh my God.” After more than a year, they got married during which Francesca passed out cause she was hungry and bored in a big 400 plus people event which she didn’t really want. She jokes that “He nearly passed out when he saw me cuz he thought I looked so beautiful.”
Before they started working together, Stan worked as a lawyer and Francesca worked first as a high school teacher. During which time they had 2 kids. After that she started an import/export business which ended with an unfortunate accident where she lost her mother. Francesca spent a year in massive depression and by the end of that period, she had become an expert in depression having been through it. Later she graduated with an honors in psychology.
After over 30 years of being together – while she was training for another degree in Psychology, Stan accompanied Francesca for a couple’s workshop for around 3 times in a year and get trained as an educator in the Imago Therapy practice. This is when they started working together on the Relationship Rescue Institute of Australia.
What attracts couples to them for relationship advice?
Apart from having decades of experience practicing counseling, we were curious as to what is it that makes them and their relationship special. Stan jokes that “with my white hair and the wrinkles, it makes a big impression because that indicates to them experience, which clearly there is and sometimes they believe I’m wise and I’m not sure about that, but they seem to think so and it gets through. So it works.” To which Francesca adds that he is wise as he’s learned everything from his wife. But what really attracts people to them, Francesca says, is that, “They see us in the waiting room. We can’t pass each other without a hug and a kiss. Right. And this is true and it’s just, it’s fleeting, but it makes a very lasting impression. You know, we are very connected.” She says, “You know, ours, I believe is a very romantic and true story. We could put it up in Hollywood and people will say, this isn’t real, but it is. So it’s who we are. That makes, I believe.” Stan agrees and she continues, “It’s who we are. That makes a difference. So even in the momentary passing or when we are teaching, cuz you know there are weekend workshops and things. It’s the energy between us. It’s not what you say, it’s how people feel. That’s what they remember. And I think the, the, the love and joy and fun we have, so lots of, we can laugh over a lot of things, right? And I think after so many years that there’s still fun, joy, and love and hot sex. Hey, what else do you want? Good food. We don’t even have to leave the house.” to which Stan agrees.
Difference between love and intimacy
Stan says that he believes that “Love is all encompassing”. He adds, “there’s all different ways you show love and, and when you show love. It’s important that you show love to the other person and the way they need to receive it. Because as you would know, everybody’s got different love language.”
Francesca translates intimacy as Into-me-see. She believes that, “in order to be loving, you have to do it in an intimate way, which means how you show up without boundaries. And I mean, there are boundaries that are appropriate.” She says, that intimacy’s about removing blocks and then “the intimacy, the love flows because intimacy’s from the inside unfettered. It’s who you are. It’s how you show up. Well, isn’t that what love is?”
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. — Rumi
After mentioning the kinds of intimacies – mental, emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual – she adds “intimacy is those levels that the different ones of how you express yourself. I think love is the flavor.” Stan adds, “I see intimacy as exposure of yourself. Yeah. You are exposing yourself, and then not everybody’s prepared to do that.”
She continues, “There are lots of couples who start off in an intimate, loving relationship about the in love stage. Passes, and then they think they’re done instead of realizing that’s where the real relationship begins. So if you do the work required to deepen, then you have more romance. Otherwise a lot of couples break up or they just have a kind, you know, co-share relationship. And plenty of people do that.”
We continue on the discussions and peel many more layers of intimacy and how working on your relations is actually pretty easy. Listen to the full episode to enjoy the conversation.
Takeaways
Love is contagious. When you are in love and have a healthy relationship with your partner, you’ll pour out the love to people around you. As Francesca said, “It’s not what you say, it’s how people feel. That’s what they remember.”
Love and intimacy have similarities but are different. Love is more encompassing, and intimacy is a way how you would show up in the relationship.
Working on your relationship is not hard work. it doesn’t have to be. It can be the easiest thing in the world. With time and consistency, using different frameworks and exercises that work for your relationship, you can build it into a healthier one.
“The best thing that you can do for your partner is work on yourself. The best thing that your partner can do for you is work on themselves.”
“Intimate relationships can mirror both of our own stuff that we get to work through, but also reflecting back the goodness that we are.”
“The stars had written a message for you when you were born, and it's up to you to discover what that is. And what I mean by that is life has a natural, beautiful unfolding that is happening, and it's like a flow of a river.”
These are just some of the few quotes Zach shared with us in our conversations. We talk about many topics – Value of Intimate Relationships, Identifying Emotions passing through you, Digging deep within yourself to identify patterns of pain and suffering, and much more.
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Here are some of our takeaways from the episode:
1️⃣ Extend your love to others with compassion. When someone shares with you OR you share with someone deeply vulnerable things , it opens the heart for compassion.
2️⃣ LOVE has the power to heal us. Work on building an intimate relationship and use the love from that relationship to work on your own stuff that comes up in a relationship and your own growth.
3️⃣ The best thing you can do for your partner is to work on yourself. The best thing that your partner can do for you is to work on themselves.
—
If you enjoyed listening to this episode (or the podcast), please share your diagnosis with 1 close relationship or anyone else who would enjoy listening to this as well.
If you would like to share your story, fill out this quick form.
The best gift you can give us is positive feedback and your observations. Follow us wherever you are listening and do us a favor by adding a Review on Apple Podcast.
LoVita – Love Vitamins for a healthier is a community by Partners for Partners. We share stories about how Partners are working intentionally towards building a healthier relationship. To learn more check out the links below 🔗
LoVita Blog for Frameworks
Sign up for our monthly Newsletter for exclusive content
We're also on Social media – Instagram, Facebook,
All above links in a single page
Connect with Zach Beach
Website: zachbeach.com
Instagram: @zachbeachlove
Facebook: @zachbeachlove
Book: The Seven Lessons of Love
Podcast: LEARN to LOVE
Zach Beach, MA, is committed to building a world based on unconditional love and connection. He does that as an relationship coach, yoga and meditation teacher, poet writer, podcast host, and as the founder of The Heart Center love school.
Best-selling author of The Seven Lessons of Love and three poetry collections, Zach regularly leads transformational retreats, workshops, and teacher trainings around the world.
4 Brahma-Viharas or 4 Noble Qualities
Zach shares one of the best conceptualizations that he’s had for love comes from Buddhist psychology, know as the 4 Brahma Viharas
Loving kindness
Compassion
Sympathetic joy
Equanimity
He adds, “they all stem from a very basic idea that love is a genuine concern for another person’s wellbeing. It doesn’t require anything in return. It’s not a conditional love. It’s an unconditional love that we can extend to all people. And I think that. Understanding is just a really nice foundation that allows us to express our love to people that we might not be in an intimate partnership with.”
Value of Relationships
Zach shares, how in today’s individualistic world, there is a very strong habit of blaming societal failures on individual people. This causes a lot of us to be tempted to think that there are things that we need to do by ourselves, on our own to solve our own problems. He adds, “We grew in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we will be healed in relationship. And we all need to be seen and recognized and understood and loved for who we are and to feel a sense of belonging and connection. So I have a huge, Belief that the most and best container for our own healing and growth is relationship, and particularly an intimate relationship.”
He says, that an intimate relationship is like a lovely mirror that helps us heal and grow, from the stuff that continues to come up in relationships – “Intimate relationships can be mirrors both of our own stuff, that we get to work through, but also reflecting back the goodness that we are.”
The best thing that you can do for, for your partner is work on yourself. The best thing that your partner can do for you is work on themselves.
Yoga – Emotions are passing through
Zach defines yoga as a practice where every day you get to set the intention to open the heart, to clear the mind, and to be present in this body. Listen to the full episode for more on how you can let emotions pass through your body with Yoga and what Zach says about how you can find the mysteries of your own heart.
Digging deep within yourself – Identifying patterns of pain and suffering
Zach shares about how when people are not living in line with their purpose, they are “doing two things. One, they’re holding on for dear life at the banks of the river, or two, they’re swimming upstream.” He adds, “The stars had written a message for you when you were born, and it’s up to you to discover what that is. And what I mean by that is life has a natural, beautiful unfolding that is happening, and it’s like a flow of a river.”
The people swimming up the stream are the ones who need to reorient themselves. Really be mindful about – is this serving me or is this not? When you find the answer is “no”, then you go for a walk in nature and figure out that – okay, this is helping me. Zach emphasizes on this – path of from disease to ease, from effort to comfortability. And then when you finally turn around and you let the river take you, life just unfolds before you with no effort at all.
Now he mentions this might work for some but not for others. So the other way is to look deep into the nature of suffering. What is it that is causing you pain and asking yourself if it is the external world or the internal? This is something that happens all the time in relationships where we get the much wonderful fertile growth and challenges to look at and to see where it is that we are most attached
Manage your relationships like a successful business with Aaron Shelley –
Love Vitamins for Life
At LoVita, we believe the workings of a successful relationship are similar to the workings of a successful corporation. Or at least they should be. Successful companies have a mission and vision. They have goals and targets. So should relationships. Have you ever considered what are your values in your relationship? Companies are always trying to do the best and accountable to the shareholders and customers. The shareholders and customers in your relationships are you and your partner. Similar to companies, most relationships need a strategy, which should be discussed periodically. Relationships need frameworks to provide structure. Each couple is unique and you have to innovate and be creative to personalize what works for your relationship.
Amongst the many insights that our guest, Aaron Shelly, shares with us he says "One of the big things that I wasn't understanding was the value in social connections and relating that social resources and how much like my mom invested in that." Our relationships in our community can actually have much greater magnitudes in our life than just having a monetary value. The payoffs from maintaining our relationships are massive and unknown. He adds "If you're not investing in social connections, it would be the same as if a company said, we're not gonna have sales and marketing. Which every company would say that's suicide."
Takeaways
The workings of a successful relationship can be very similar to the workings of a successful corporation. Relationships can benefit from having a strategy, vision, goals and more. Keeping track of logistics, identifying root causes of conflicts, and keeping track of growth with regular check-ins can help you build a healthier relationship.
Invest in your relationships with your partner and your community. The value of your network that you build with trust and time, has a much greater positive impact on our life than just having a monetary value.
If you enjoyed listening to this episode (or the podcast), please share your diagnosis with 1 close relationship or anyone else who would enjoy listening to this as well.
If you would like to share your story, fill out this quick form.
The best gift you can give us is positive feedback and your observations. Follow us wherever you are listening and do us a favor by adding a Review on Apple Podcast.
LoVita – Love Vitamins for a healthier is a community by Partners for Partners. We share stories about how Partners are working intentionally towards building a healthier relationship. To learn more check out the links below 🔗
LoVita Blog for Frameworks
Sign up for our monthly Newsletter for exclusive content
We're also on Social media – Instagram, Facebook,
All above links in a single page
Connect with Aaron Shelley
Book – The Family Flywheel
Website: https://thefamilyflywheel.com/
Facebook: aaron.k.shelley
LinkedIn: aaronshelley
Aaron has a BS in Mechanical Engineering and an MBA. He has worked with small businesses and startups where he developed a unique systems perspective on business and family. His work in the academic and business worlds led him to understand how related our families and business dynamics are.
He and his wife have run the largest Irish Dance school in Utah for over 20 years. He has built multiple companies, consulted across multiple industries and helped raise $54 million as the COO of a technology company. He lives in Utah with his wife and four children.
His book “The Family Flywheel” presents a proven process for building an unshakable foundation in your life. By combining three elements—strategy, structure and culture—you can learn how to create wealth, build better relationships, improve your health, learn more abilities and enjoy more freedom than ever before!
Make your relationship like a super effective business
Aaron says, “if people understand how families work, what are their different levers and how to make them effective, just like a business, they can be super effective. They can be super effective and they don’t have to fall apart and we don’t have to have divorces like we have. That’s really the big push that I have now is I just feel like families are the pillars of our society and if we keep knocking ’em out, it, it’s hard to get back your society cause it’s gonna collapse on itself.“
At LoVita, we believe the workings of a successful relationship are similar to the workings of a successful corporation. Or at least they should be. Successful companies have a mission and vision. They have goals and targets. So should relationships. Have you ever considered what are your values in your relationship? We covered a framework on our blog about Value Stones earlier to cover this in more detail. Companies are always trying to do the best and accountable to the shareholders and customers. The shareholders and customers, in your relationships are you and your partner. Similar to companies, most relationships need a strategy, which should be discussed periodically. Relationships need frameworks to provide it structure. Each couple is unique and you have to innovate and be creative to personalize what works for your relationship.
Aaron asks, for anyone in relationships, what is your strategy? The reason he created the Family Flywheel is to help partners align on their strategy, structure and culture because those are the big things that matter. He explains the concept of the flywheel, which stemmed from his experience as a Mechanical Engineer, where there is a flywheel of things which keep getting faster and faster and it’s this momentum that you can’t stop which keeps building further momentum.
Often what we lack in our home systems is the fact that we don’t have the same vocabulary. We’re not often using the same language and understanding of concepts like what do we want as a family? What are our values? What is our culture? What is our strategy? What are we trying to accomplish? These implicit or mostly implicit buy-ins that everyone has – like, oh, okay, we’re going to be a Christian House household perhaps – but there’s no explicit buy-in on what does that actually mean. Every family has its own flavor and the concept of the flywheel helps in creating another language that people can use to kind of set up that healthy household and foundation.
Aaron and his wife had at some point decided to setup their life around running an Irish Dance business from a studio behind they home. They made strategic decisions to get there. And even when doing so, their priorities were set. Aaron told us that, “my wife has always said like, if my family needed me, I would give up the business tomorrow. It’s very clear what her prioritization is.” What they wanted was a family and they figured out the best way for them to do just that.
Challenges why couples are not in alignment
What are the biggest challenge on why couples or partners are not in alignment often or do not have these priorities set straight. Aaron shares the below challenges with us. Listen to the full episode to learn more why these can be challenging
People are getting into relationships to marry people who are like them
People are waiting till they are much older to get married
We talk about an analogy of how relationships just like companies go through mergers and acquisitions. The fact that thinking about it from the business perspective – with business acumen – gives us concrete analogies to anchor down on so that we can get a little bit more practical with our wishlist of what are we looking for in our partner, or where are we in our life? Just like we do career planning, we can start doing, life planning. We can try to figure out what kind of a partner, what kind of a family am I looking for and thinking about it in terms of asset, strengths and weaknesses, opportunity costs rather than just being like, I just want someone tall, dark, and handsome – which might not be good enough.
Aarons adds, “the worst mistake you make in a business is hiring the wrong person. And the worst mistake you make in a marriage or in your relation in your life is gonna be hiring the wrong person, marrying the wrong person.” When people are in the job market (seeking or hiring), a lot of them know the answers to questions like – What am I looking for? What criteria should I be thinking of? etc – but not often we ask these questions when getting into relationships. Most people are getting into relationships with thoughts like “She’s hot” or “He’s handsome” which can be a start but there should be more.
If you’ve never taken the time to actually sit down and talk – about what are you both working towards – and put it on a page, then you are not working towards the same thing as you just think you are.
Check In after alignment
Once you’ve got alignment in your relationship – got buy-in from your partner and have your priorities set – how do you evaluate whether you are on the right track? How do you know if your relationship is successful or whether there is scope for improvements? What processes and what mechanisms do you have in your life to make sure you’re on track and you’re constantly getting feedback and updating – like a check-in?
Aaron goes back to the business point and draws an analogy with meetings in companies to family meetings. In Aaron’s case, his family has weekly, quarterly and annual meetings too. In these meetings they discuss what did we do in the last period, what did we learn, what are the highlights, what are the conflicts and then what are they trying to do in the next period. It keeps all their individual and family goals communicated with each other and help each other align to meet those. He adds, “if you look at most companies, I think meetings are usually hated. But if we get rid of all the meetings, then everyone doesn’t feel aligned. And I think it’s the same in a family. I also have a basic coordination meeting with the kids, but it’s like you need to coordinate the logistics. You need to coordinate and make sure there’s no like long enduring issues in the relationships that just aren’t dealt with.” Aaron for their family annual planning had put together a movie about things like where we had been for the past year with our values. This was so inspiring for the kids and they mentioned that they were proud to be a part of this great thing. As parents, Aaron and his wife are creating an identity for their children that they want to be involved in, that they think is aspirational and that is gonna help them in their life.
Growth in Relationships
Growth for companies is a very important thing. They have to be accountable to their shareholders showing that they’re profitable, getting more customers, building a stronger brand and so on. But if we think about growth in terms of your relationship, how do we measure and quantify that? Aaron says, “I break it into the financial resources, the social resources, and then the human resources.” He gives up many personal examples on what his take are on each of those and how we should invest in ourselves and our relationships. Listen to the full episode to learn more.
Final Thoughts
In the last few minutes of our recording with Aaron, he shares, “One of the big things that I wasn’t understanding was the value in social connections and relating that social resources and how much like my mom invested in that.” Our relationships in our community can actually have much greater magnitudes in our life than just having a monetary value. The payoffs from maintaining our relationships are massive and unknown. He adds “If you’re not investing in social connections, it would be the same as if a company said, we’re not gonna have sales and marketing. Which every company would say that’s suicide.”
Takeaways
The workings of a successful relationship can be very similar to the workings of a successful corporation. Relationships can benefit from having a strategy, vision, goals and more. Keeping track of logistics, identifying root causes of conflicts, and keeping track of growth with regular check-ins can help you build a healthier relationship.
Invest in your relationships with your partner and your community. The value of your network that you build with trust and time, has a much greater positive impact on our life than just having a monetary value.
In our conversation with Jerry Dugan, he says, "like live in a way that. She's gonna be like, all right, yeah, I choose him again for another day." So we asked him what his thoughts were on how to make sure that the love between partners doesn't just stay at a constant rate.
The biggest thing is making sure I'm listening more than I'm speaking in the relationship.
Listen to the full episode for Jerry's story on how he was putting them first and, and also communicating something he would want to do.
We also learn about – H.A.L.T – A framework which can be used to reduce conflict in relationships. Before you say, anything to your partner, halt and check for the below
H – Am I hungry?
A – Am I angry about something else?
L – Am I feeling lonely?
T – Am I tired?
And if the answer to any of those things is a YES, then the conflict or conversation between you and your partner isn't about whatever's going on – it's about something else entirely. So what can you do? Simple answer is to take care of yourself and let your partner know. If you're hungry – get a snack. If you're angry or feeling lonely or tired – let your partner know.
Takeaways
The biggest thing to do in a relationship is making sure you're listening more than speaking
Put your loved ones first and communicate with them if there is something you would like to do
Use HALT – the self assessment tool to halt the conversation if you find yourself Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.
If you enjoyed listening to this episode (or the podcast), please share your diagnosis with 1 close relationship or anyone else who would enjoy listening to this as well.
The best gift you can give us is positive feedback and your observations. Follow us wherever you are listening and do us a favor by adding a Review on Apple Podcast.
LoVita – Love Vitamins for a healthier is a community by Partners for Partners. We share stories about how Partners are working intentionally towards building a healthier relationship. To learn more check out the links below 🔗
LoVita Blog for Frameworks
Sign up for our monthly Newsletter for exclusive content
We're also on Social media – Instagram, Facebook, TikTok
All above links in a single page
Connect with Jerry Dugan
Website - https://beyondtherut.com
Instagram - @beyondtherut
Facebook - @beyondtherut
TikTok - @beyondtherut
LinkedIn - jerrydugan
Jerry Dugan is the CEO and Senior Consultant of BtR Impact, LLC, a consulting and training company focused on helping leaders define success on their terms so they can live fulfilled, meaningful lives with impact and not lose their faith, their families, or their health. His work experience includes serving in the U.S. Army as a combat medic, corporate training facilitator, and organizational development leader. Jerry is also the the host and producer of Beyond the Rut podcast and currently lives in Dallas, Texas, enjoying the empty nester life with his wife Olivia. They have two adult children, three cats, a dog, and no car loans!
This is the second episode from our conversation with Jerry. In our last episode, we focused on how you should go tell your partner today that they come first. Here, we talk about the HALT framework and other ways how you can make sure that your partner chooses you every single day.
What do you do to grow the love?
Often in relationships we find that when at some point things start to be very monotonous and the excitement levels are not the same as they used to be.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with this stability. It’s great. Having stability in a relationship is an amazing accomplishment. But sometimes it can start to fee like things are spicy but not hot. You are happy but not necessarily excited. Your partner thinks your great but not necessarily attracted to you as they used to be.
And to make sure your partner chooses you every single day – you need to be attractive. Ansh would say be the best yourself. Your partner loves you for who you are. Don’t take them from granted. Love them and they will love you back more. Raashi would say, work on yourself to you make you better than the best yourself. They will see you grow and love you more.
In our conversation with Jerry, he says, “like live in a way that. She’s gonna be like, all right, yeah, I choose him again for another day.” So we asked him what his thoughts were on how to make sure that the love between partners doesn’t just stay at a constant rate.
The biggest thing is making sure I’m listening more than I’m speaking in the relationship.
Listen to the full episode for Jerry’s story on how he was putting them first and, and also communicating something he would want to do. This led to the whole family working together to find a way and time on the calendar where he got his wishes fulfilled. It’s beautiful to hear how without explicitly asking the family – hey, I need four days – but instead expressing and communicating his desires to let them know that this is something that you wanna fulfill and which will bring joy to him. Then, somehow all of them work together to make that happen, to make sure everyone’s happy. And it’s beautiful to hear that. It’s like when you put others first, they learn to do the same. Because of that practice of being reciprocal in nature now the children, family, and your spouse, put you first as well, and it’s this beautiful cycle in which everyone feels happy.
H.A.L.T. – Self assessment tool to use before communicating with your partner
A framework which can be used to reduce conflict in relationships. Before you say, anything to your partner, halt and check for the below
H – Am I hungry? A – Am I angry about something else? L – Am I feeling lonely? T – Am I tired?
And if the answer to any of those things is a YES, then the conflict or conversation between you and your partner isn’t about whatever’s going on – it’s about something else entirely. So what can you do? Simple answer is to take care of yourself and let your partner know. If you’re hungry – get a snack. If you’re angry or feeling lonely or tired – let your partner know.
A lot of times conflict occurs due to the fact that there’s something else going on. Something that’s just bringing a lot of heavy emotions and those emotions are seeping into all of the cracks that are available. It’s too much of the store inside of here, so you’re, you’re using every outlet you can get. That’s not fair though, on the people in your life. However, what is fair is to let them know that there’s a lot going on inside of you and that you might need to take a minute before you can have this conversation. HALT. What a beautiful framework.
Takeaways
The biggest thing to do in a relationship is making sure you’re listening more than speaking
Put your loved ones first and communicate with them if there is something you would like to do
Use HALT – the self assessment tool to halt the conversation if you find yourself Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.
Creating a powerful group dynamic with a Courage Circle with Sandy Stream –
Love Vitamins for Life
In this captivating conversation with Sandy Stream, we've explored the transformative power of self-love and respectful listening. Her journey from seeking inner peace to facilitating courage circles highlights the profound impact of creating safe spaces for authentic expression and connection. By embarking on our own self-discovery journeys and embracing respectful relationships, we can cultivate a world where love flows freely, nurturing the growth of both individuals and communities.
If you enjoyed listening to this episode (or the podcast), please share your diagnosis with someone you love. Small doses over time is how you grow the love.
The best gift you can give us is positive feedback and your observations. Follow us wherever you are listening and do us a favor by adding a Review on Apple Podcast.
LoVita – Love Vitamins for Life is a community that believes love is a daily act and Love Vitamins are how we strengthen the love. Each individual brings a story, perspective and practice on how to learn, play, and grow in love.
We share stories on how love shows up in your life in a digestible format. To learn more check out the links below 🔗
LoVita Blog for Frameworks, Love Doses and more
Sign up for our monthly Newsletter for exclusive content
We're also on Social media – Instagram, Facebook, TikTok
Connect with our Guests
Website: thecouragecircle.com
Telegram: TheCourageCircle
Book: The Courage Circle
Jerry Dugan is the CEO and Senior Consultant of BtR Impact, LLC, a consulting and training company focused on helping leaders define success on their terms so they can live fulfilled, meaningful lives with impact and not lose their faith, their families, or their health. His work experience includes serving in the U.S. Army as a combat medic, corporate training facilitator, and organizational development leader. Jerry is also the the host and producer of Beyond the Rut podcast and currently lives in Dallas, Texas, enjoying the empty nester life with his wife Olivia. They have two adult children, three cats, a dog, and no car loans!
Try these 3 steps before entering home after your day from work
Jerry shared with us their habit or ritual that he and his wife had had worked over the years to keep their love intentional and alive in their relationship. Listen to the full episode for the full explanation but we broke it down to the three steps below.
1️⃣ Recharge or regroup yourself – Put yourself in the right frame of mind before you enter into the door and meet your partner and/or family
2️⃣ Prioritize your partner – Take some time out to catch up on the day with your partner before you do anything else
3️⃣ Be present and engaged – Be there for each other
In the first steps, Jerry says, that after getting home, he would sit in the car for a few minutes just to zone out and, just get it out of his system that work is done. He would think about about going into the house and visualize a little bit of what did he want that night to look like. What kind of engagements with my kids, with my wife did he want.
In the second step, once he walked in that door, he and Olivia would go to their room and closed the door. It we established with the kids that they’re gonna have about 20 minutes of just mommy and daddy time. What happened in that 20 minutes behind closed doors you ask? They talked – COMMUNICATED!! One of the most important things to maintain a healthy relationship. It sends such a strong message to your partner that you come first before anything else.
The last step, is to be there, to be present and engage with each other so that they can tackle the rest of the night together.
Priorities in your relationship – Your partner comes first
Since Jerry had been in his relationship for a couple decades, we asked Jerry for some advice for people new into relationships and marriages. He gave us some more compelling reasons why we should put our relationship with our partner first before our children and extended friends and family. For their family with a Christian faith he says, “we put God first and then we put each other second, and then we would put our kids third.” He adds that if you could just replace the first part with your faith but the main point was that the relationship between him and his wife would have precedent over our relationship with their kids, extended family, friends and co-workers.
Listen to the full recording of the episode to learn more about the rational behind this priority. In their childhood, both Olivia and Jerry, had experienced divorces and separations of adults around them and they wanted to make sure to build healthy practices in their relationship from the get go. He adds that he wanted to make sure that she’s gonna be like – “all right, yeah, I choose him again for another day.” This speaks volumes about their level of commitment towards each other.
In terms of parenting he adds, “people like to say, we put the kids first, and, it sounds great, it sounds noble, and it may feel like that’s where you need to put your effort. And for us to put ourselves ahead of the kids, was our long-term strategy because we knew that at some point our oldest was gonna turn 18 and leave. And then our daughter was just a couple years behind her. And she was gonna go off and do her own thing. And so we’re like, okay, so if we do the math, we got maybe 20 years before we’re empty nesters and I want to know the person I’m empty nesting with and, and not be a total stranger.”
By connecting every single day, Jerry and Olivia are in a healthy space to co-parent their kids. Jerry adds, “If there was one thing our kids could tell everybody, without us coaching them to say it is that they can never split us up and make mom and dad work against each other. Like we were always on the same page.” They set great examples for their kids demonstration the value of building a healthier relationship with their partner and showing them that they are a strong team together. Its like putting the practical application living by example, rather than preaching to the kids.
Takeaways
Let’s bandage the takeaways for todays episode on why we should prioritize our partners our relationships with them before some of the other relationships
Before you interact with your partner – take a moment for yourself. Recharge and regroup to put yourself in the right frame of mind
Prioritize your relationship with your partner – Take time to catch up on the day. Work on your relationship so that your partner chooses YOU every single day.
Teach your kids by example, that you and your partner are a strong team together.
"I truly believe that salespeople will heal the world. And the reason is for the same reason that this podcast here exists. A successful sale is a relationship." Joe shares in this episode.
He shares 4 things to make you better in every capacity
1️⃣ Prudence – Having knowledge and passion about a specific topic
2️⃣ Justice – Wanting to be with you on a relationship level for your merit
3️⃣ Courage – Figure out a way to get out something boils inside of you
4️⃣ Humility – Balance. Humility is neither I am the greatest and most important person on this planet, nor am I small and insignificant. It's truly that balance.
Takeaways
Best thing you can do for your relationship or to work towards a healthier relationship is work on making yourself better.
Sometimes getting closure in a relationship is more important for peace of mind.
If you enjoyed listening to this episode (or the podcast), please share your diagnosis with 1 close relationship or anyone else who would enjoy listening to this as well.
The best gift you can give us is positive feedback and your observations. Follow us wherever you are listening and do us a favor by adding a Review on Apple Podcast.
LoVita – Love Vitamins for a healthier is a community by Partners for Partners. We share stories about how Partners are working intentionally towards building a healthier relationship. To learn more check out the links below 🔗
LoVita Blog for Frameworks
Sign up for our monthly Newsletter for exclusive content
We're also on Social media – Instagram, Facebook, TikTok
All above links in a single page
Connect with Joe Rockey
Website – http://elitebusinessconversations.com/
Facebook – joe.rockey.50
LinkedIn – joerockey
Joe Rockey works on Elite Business Conversations helping salespeople and companies get over the humps that they’re at, whether it be a business that has served to stall out and it needs help to get over or just salespeople that want to take their game to the next level.
“I truly believe that salespeople will heal the world. And the reason is for the same reason that this podcast here exists. A successful sale is a relationship.” Joe says “And so much of this industry is tied up with mindsets of generations ago, of putting on high pressure, making people feel bad if they don’t buy from you, et cetera, et cetera. And that’s the exact opposite of what I teach and what, how I help people. Really get their businesses back. Teach your salespeople to build in relationships based sales, and everything really takes off to the next level. You know, most people in studies will show this, would rather buy from someone that they know and have a relationship with than buy online just through anonymous clicks.”
4 things to make you better in every capacity
Prudence – Having knowledge and passion about a specific topic
Justice – Wanting to be with you on a relationship level for your merit
Courage – Figure out a way to get out something boils inside of you
Humility – Balance. Humility is neither I am the greatest and most important person on this planet, nor am I small and insignificant. It’s truly that balance.
Advice on building a healthier Relationship
Joe says “identify some relationship that you have or had that isn’t where you want it to be right now.” He continues, “think about that relationship and figure out why it isn’t what it’s, and in general, there’s one of two reasons.”
Big blow up explosion
Gradually time eroded
Here’s what you do next – Take out your phone, dial the 10 numbers and press that little green button to call them.
Joe says, “And what you’ll find as you go through that process, which may take more than one phone call, is that this anchor that had been pulling you back and taking you down the spots that you didn’t even know you were at will be lifted and the rest of your mind will become free in ways that you didn’t even know that this was blocking up things. It’s really a way to do the old school defrag on a hard drive, but to your relationship and your brain.”
Takeaways
Best thing you can do for your relationship or to work towards a healthier relationship is work on making yourself better.
Sometimes getting closure in a relationship is more important for peace of mind.
Most conflicts follow some variation of this Conflict Resolution Curve:
🆕 Inception – The moment a conflict is registered
🌶️ Getting Hot – The in-between space
💣 Big Bang – The climactic moment of the conflict
🧊 Cool Down – The period after our conflict reaches a “resolution”
🆕 New Normal – How life will be after this conflict
BUT WAIT!! There’s one step that we often miss after a New Normal has been established.
🪡 Relationship Repair – Building goodwill back into the relationship
Every relationship has conflict. And if you say that you and your partner are an amazing team and NEVER argue, who are you kidding. It's probably that you're not looking properly or maybe just ignore the emotions that arise in a conflict. What often tends to happen is that once a conflict has been resolved, people “move on” with their lives but rarely do we go back and look into repairing any damage that the conflict might have created.
Kimberly Hill, our guest on the show, shares what she does to build a healthier relationship. Listen to the full episode to learn more.
If you enjoyed listening to this episode (or the podcast), please share your diagnosis with 1 close relationship or anyone else who would enjoy listening to this as well.
If you would like to share your story, fill out this quick form.
The best gift you can give us is positive feedback and your observations. Follow us wherever you are listening and do us a favor by adding a Review on Apple Podcast.
LoVita – Love Vitamins for a healthier is a community by Partners for Partners. We share stories about how Partners are working intentionally towards building a healthier relationship. To learn more check out the links below 🔗
LoVita Blog for Frameworks
Sign up for our monthly Newsletter for exclusive content
We're also on Social media – Instagram, Facebook,
All above links in a single page
Connect with Kimberly Hill
Website: http://www.kimberlyninahill.com
Instagram: @kimberlyninahill
Podcast: The Self Confidence Project
Every relationship has conflict. And if you say that you and your partner are an amazing team and NEVER argue, who are you kidding. It’s probably that you’re not looking properly or maybe just ignore the emotions that arise in a conflict. What often tends to happen is that once a conflict has been resolved, people “move on” with their lives but rarely do we go back and look into repairing any damage that the conflict might have created.
Kimberly Hill, our guest on the show, shares what she does to build a healthier relationship.
I also work really hard on my relationship on repairing conflict, so conflict happens. We can’t avoid it all the time. We have two people with two childhoods and two different sets of beliefs. We’re gonna have a bad argument from time to time. What I work really hard on is repairing with my partner is making up for arguments, is making sure we do something after to create positivity back in our dynamic versus just like leaving these conflicts to fester. So resolution and repair is huge and has made a huge difference in my relationship
Most conflicts follow some variation of this Conflict Resolution Curve:
🆕 Inception – The moment a conflict is registered
🌶️ Getting Hot – The in-between space
💣 Big Bang – The climactic moment of the conflict
🧊 Cool Down – The period after our conflict reaches a “resolution”
🆕 New Normal – How life will be after this conflict
BUT WAIT!! There’s one step that we often miss after a New Normal has been established.
🪡 Relationship Repair – Building goodwill back into the relationship
Every relationship has conflict. And if you say that you and your partner are an amazing team and NEVER argue, who are you kidding. It's probably that you're not looking properly or maybe just ignore the emotions that arise in a conflict. What often tends to happen is that once a conflict has been resolved, people “move on” with their lives but rarely do we go back and look into repairing any damage that the conflict might have created.
Kimberly Hill, our guest on the show, shares what she does to build a healthier relationship. Listen to the full episode to learn more.
If you enjoyed listening to this episode (or the podcast), please share your diagnosis with 1 close relationship or anyone else who would enjoy listening to this as well.
If you would like to share your story, fill out this quick form.
The best gift you can give us is positive feedback and your observations. Follow us wherever you are listening and do us a favor by adding a Review on Apple Podcast.
LoVita – Love Vitamins for a healthier is a community by Partners for Partners. We share stories about how Partners are working intentionally towards building a healthier relationship. To learn more check out the links below 🔗
LoVita Blog for Frameworks
Sign up for our monthly Newsletter for exclusive content
We're also on Social media – Instagram, Facebook,
All above links in a single page
Connect with Kimberly Hill
Website: http://www.kimberlyninahill.com
Instagram: @kimberlyninahill
Podcast: The Self Confidence Project
Every relationship has conflict. And if you say that you and your partner are an amazing team and NEVER argue, who are you kidding. It’s probably that you’re not looking properly or maybe just ignore the emotions that arise in a conflict. What often tends to happen is that once a conflict has been resolved, people “move on” with their lives but rarely do we go back and look into repairing any damage that the conflict might have created.
Kimberly Hill, our guest on the show, shares what she does to build a healthier relationship.
I also work really hard on my relationship on repairing conflict, so conflict happens. We can’t avoid it all the time. We have two people with two childhoods and two different sets of beliefs. We’re gonna have a bad argument from time to time. What I work really hard on is repairing with my partner is making up for arguments, is making sure we do something after to create positivity back in our dynamic versus just like leaving these conflicts to fester. So resolution and repair is huge and has made a huge difference in my relationship
Saying what you feel and asking for what you want with your partners can often be very difficult. But why is that? And even when you gather the courage and patience to do so, they still don't understand. Kimberly shares that this is common, "What seems to be one of the most difficult conversations for a man and or woman to have in their relationship or in dating is saying how we feel and communicating when we have a need."
Activity to get better at communicating with your partner
This is an exercise to help you fill in what you are feeling and what you really need.
-> Get a pen and paper and write the below down
___<Their_Name>___,
I feel _________.
Because _________.
I would like it if you would __________.
I hope you understand that __________.
To learn more about how this works, listen to the full episode.
Takeaways
1️⃣ Make sure before having a conversation with your partner, they are in the present and free of distractions
2️⃣ When addressing an issue, focus on the behavior. Rather than blaming or pointing at your partner, find the behavior that is causing this conversation to happen.
3️⃣ Ask for what you want, rather than what you don't want. After sharing your feelings on how you feel, go that extra step further to suggest a solution.
—-
If you enjoyed listening to this episode (or the podcast), please share your diagnosis with 1 close relationship or anyone else who would enjoy listening to this as well.
If you would like to share your story, fill out this quick form.
The best gift you can give us is positive feedback and your observations. Follow us wherever you are listening and do us a favor by adding a Review on Apple Podcast.
LoVita – Love Vitamins for a healthier is a community by Partners for Partners. We share stories about how Partners are working intentionally towards building a healthier relationship. To learn more check out the links below 🔗
LoVita Blog for Frameworks
Sign up for our monthly Newsletter for exclusive content
We're also on Social media – Instagram, Facebook,
All above links in a single page
Connect with Kimberly Hill
Website: http://www.kimberlyninahill.com
Instagram: @kimberlyninahill
Podcast: The Self Confidence Project
Kimberly is a Certified Dating & Relationship Coach and a Master Neurolinguistic Practitioner who supports men to attract and keep healthy, loving relationships. She is the host of the honest and relatable podcast, The Self-Confidence Project where she talks candidly about the stuff we all face in life and love. She has thousands of hours of direct intimate work with men on confidence, dating, and relationships and brings a mastery of coaching, emotional maturity practices, and leadership to her clients. Her clients go on to find fulfilling and deeply rewarding relationships.
Saying what you feel and asking for what you want with your partners can often feel can be very difficult. But why is that? And even when you gather the courage and patience to do so, they still don’t understand. Kimberly shares that this is common, “What seems to be one of the most difficult conversations for a man and or woman to have in their relationship or in dating is saying how we feel and communicating when we have a need.”
Activity to get better at communicating with your partner
This is an exercise to help you fill in what you are feeling and what you really need.
-> Get a pen and paper and write the below down
___<Their_Name>___, I feel _________. Because _________. I would like it if you would __________. I hope you understand that __________.
To learn more about how this works, listen to the full episode.
Takeaways
1️⃣ Make sure before having a conversation with your partner, they are in the present and free of distractions
2️⃣ When addressing an issue, focus on the behavior. Rather than blaming or pointing at your partner, find the behavior that is causing this conversation to happen.
3️⃣ Ask for what you want, rather than what you don’t want. After sharing your feelings on how you feel, go that extra step further to suggest a solution.
LoVita 